“YOU CAN CALL ME EDDY”

“YOU CAN CALL ME EDDY”

BY SHEB SCHEBELLA

Well let me tell you, it all started over at Havel McVeez place last Friday night when Eddy Saunders walked in waving a baseball bat demanding to know which one of us Son of Bitches shagged his old lady Doreen Farrly, the two of them are married but she kept her last name, she said so she wouldn’t lose her identity, whatever the fuck that means. You see it was me and, Tony Muckerhide, Bart licavitch, Norton Wallski, Jake Tendergrass, and of course old man Havel. We were all playing Texas Holdem like we do every third Friday of the month for big stakes, $20 a head at the door buy in and $2.oo big blinds, its bring your own beer but, most of us drink coffee except for old man Havel, he drinks Pabst Blue Ribbon which is as good as any shitty American beer I guess. Havel never gets drunk, just red, I mean garden beat fucking red. Well anyway, Eddy slammed his bat down on the table making the poker chips bounce about a foot in the air along with most of the coffee but it got are attention a little dramatic but what the hell someone was going down. Old man Havel was about to blow a gasket until he saw Bart lift his index finger to his lips and motion to be silent. Norton Wallski is 87 years old and was the first to speak in his defense. He told Eddy that he has not been able to pull wood sense Nixon was in office and then told him to hand him the coffee pot from off the stove which oddly Eddy did. Then Eddy turned to me as he pointed his bat across the table and asked me if I shagged his wife and I responded by saying hell no Eddy, no offence but, she is one ugly bitch. He then just looked at me quizzically and said none taken, then tried to ascertain where I was last Saturday night. I quickly responded by telling him I was working 2^nd shift over at the plant. Then I told Eddy he better mellow out before I break that bat off in his ass; at that time Norton asked me if I wanted some coffee and of course I did, mine was spilled when numb nuts slammed his bat down on the table. While Norton was refilling my cup old man Havel stood up and walked toward the fridge to collect himself another beer and that’s when Eddy asked Havel were he was last Saturday night. Havel opened his beer on the edge of the table just before sitting down and took a big pull and responded with a belch as he sat. Havel pointed his beer toward Eddy and told him that he was home like he always is and if Eddy didn’t believe him he could ask Myers, which was old man Havel’s dog. That got a pretty good laugh from every one but Eddy.
Tony Muckerhide decided to take the stand himself and volunteer information on his own by telling Eddy he saw her at the Saw Grass Saloon at about 9 o’clock last Saturday but, she was sitting alone at the bar drinking Scotch and that she looked a little pissed up. The he explained to Eddy that he left at about ten and Doreen was still at the bar alone drinking. Then Jake Tendergrass sat back in his chair and asked Eddy why he just does not ask his old lady who she shagged last Saturday. He responded that he had already but, she said she was too drunk to remember and felt real guilty about doing it. So you see Eddy was on a man hunt because he felt someone took advantage of his wife while she was drunk. At this time Eddy Saunders seemed to be calming down a little as Norton handed him a cup of coffee. After about twenty seconds of silence the back door to the kitchen swung open and slammed shut, it was Jimmy Ripley one of our Friday night poker players. He was laughing and swearing as he walked in and apologized for being late but he got a flat tire on the way over. Eddy did not know Ripley nor did Ripley know of Eddy, but for some reason old man Havel asked Ripley were and what he was doing last Saturday. Ripley looked around then paused and looked at the table. The table was a mess of spilt coffee, soggy playing cards, and ill stacked poker chips. Eddy had set the bat down on the kitchen counter by this time. Ripley kind of smiled and asked what the hell is going on and asked if some one got caught cheating. Old man Havel said yes but not at cards, and then asked again to Ripley were and what did he do last Saturday. Ripley took a step back rubbed his chin a little and smiled while telling us that he was at the Saw Grass Saloon when he ran into this old horny whore of a broad that wanted to shag him and, so he took her out to the truck for a quickie. Ripley then looked up and grinned and said that he had told her his name but, as he was putting the bone to her in the back of the truck she just kept calling him Eddy. Right at that moment Ripley raised his hand to Eddy Saunders to greet him and said Hello I don’t believe we have met, my names Jimmy Ripley." then he paused, smiled and with a soft laughter said. But if you want you can call me Eddy to. At that moment everything was a blur, I just remember waking up on the couch with an ice pack on my head with Myers lying across my lap.