VACANT FOR CRAZY

“VACANT FOR CRAZY”

BY SHEB SCHEBELLA

It was a cool July night sometime after "Wheel of Fortune" but before HBO soft porn movies were available to the Friday viewer. I was heading down Pratt Street with a garden spade and a bucket of fresh Dandelions I had collected earlier that day from a vacant lot in town. I was heading down to Mr. Fogerty's house in a less then stealth fashion for I had lightly been imbibing that evening to get my courage up to transplant the Dandelions in his front lawn. Mr. Fogerty has a brilliant lawn, and as highly maintained and manicured as any nationally acclaimed golf courses putting greens. The reason I was going to spoil Mr. Fogerty's quintessential lawn was for the simple fact he allows his dog to defecate on my lawn. He has an Irish Wolf-hound, which is an enormous creature. That dog stands over six feet high when on his hind legs. And when that dog defecates, the amount of feces that falls from that hideous creature is nothing shy of what an African Elephant could produce on any given day. So on this particular night I was going to get even if not ahead. While I was walking I met up with Doris Tucuman. Doris is a tall, and firm breasted women with a beautiful smile. She's always seen wearing a long outdated ball gown for no particular reason outside of the fact that's she's as crazy as a shit house rat. But I often enjoy her company over a few pints down at the Old Sod. When are paths crossed that evening she wanted to ascertain what I had planed on doing with all the Dandelions. After I informed her of my diabolical plan she giggled only like crazy people can, and then appeared a little disappointed that I was not going to make Dandelion wine. But she did decide to invite herself, and I allowed her to tag along as if I had any choice in the matter. While Doris and I walked down Pratt Street towards Mr. Fogerty's doomed front yard we came upon Margie Shinski. Margie is a short stout woman and very ill figured to my gaze. Her face I can only describe is much like a Baboons face would appear if it were drinking vinegar. Margie took up the hole sidewalk so I was forced to stop and acknowledge her presence, upon doing so Doris was quick with her lips and told everything of my best laid plans. And of course Doris invited Margie, and of course Margie excepted the invitation. Margie did however say she would never breath a word of my doings to anyone, but I took that with a grain of salt. Benjamin Franklyn said "Three can keep a secret if to are dead." and that shall always be true I'm certain of.
A short while later we ended up in front of Mr. Fogerty's home, and when we arrived all we could do was stare wide eyed at his driveway. For on the driveway marked out in chalk was the outline of a mans body, one that would accommodate Mr.Fogerty's size. Margie was the first to reply by saying something to the affect that someone has killed the old bastard. I was very upset about this at the time; not for reasons one may think. I was upset because I did not get to plant my Dandelions in his yard, and wait across the street till morning to see Mr.Fogerty’s horrified expression. But soon my feelings became more favorable as I thought how soon it would be that he would be pushing up Dandelions of his own. To say that poetic justice was served would be a tad bit harsh but, my problem was solved none the less. In short the night ended up like any other Friday night, we all went down to the Old Sod and got good and pie eyed, and of course I ended up going home with Margie.