Kallikantzaroi & The Remark

“KALLIKANTZAROI & THE REMARK”

BY SHEB SCHEBELLA

The Goblins came late last night; they don’t really fly that is just a lie. The Goblins walk and some of them slither, hop and crawl, but they all can climb walls. They don’t speak in complex sentences; they snicker, gurgle, fart through their teeth, hiss and piss out of their eyes. Goblins are evil, temperamental and cruel, but there nobodies fool. Last night I heard a noise so I knelt up in bed combed the hair from my eyes and looked out the window and saw Goblin feet tracked in the snow outside, but I was not surprised because it’s getting close to Christmas time. Goblins hate Christmas and they hate cookies too they only lick the icing off and then toss them all around. The little bastards will crap on your carpet and then grind it in with their paws and their claws. I don’t hate Goblins, it would be like hating ice because it is cold, but I have no intentions of being submerged in it and last night I had no intentions of being over run by Goblins. I noticed the Goblin tracks lead to my basement window, the bastards where in the house. I climbed from bed and knelt down and bowed my head as I reached under my bed to retrieve my AK 47 I had brought back from Afghanistan. I stood with my rifle and slammed a fresh clip of soviet produced 7.62 mm rounds and headed for the basement. There are three things Goblins truly despise Christmas songs, artificial light and gifts, and I was going to present them with the trifecta. I walked to the basement door and stood, on the count of three I swung the door open and charged down the stairs singing “Run, Run Rudolph” Billy Idol style at the top of my lungs. Once I reached the bottom of the stairs I turned on the lights as I saw the last of 7 Goblins come dropping through the window. They all faced me snarling and pawing at the air. The Goblins squinted while some began to plug their ears as I was finishing the last verse of my Christmas song. Finally their eyes somewhat adjusted to the light and then they all gave me wicked smiles to try and give me a fright, but I was locked and loaded on this night. They took notice of my AK 47 but I was not sure if they understood it would mean there demise. I raised my weapon to my shoulder and took loose aim at the pack and then I spoke by saying “Good evening you wretched bastards, I am here to give you the greatest Christmas gift of all, the gift of eternal life.” The Goblins froze as I said they hate Christmas gifts and so they began to scream without really understanding what I meant. I looked at each of them quickly and gently nodded my head. A smile grew on my face as I knew I was going to send them all to Hell for eternity and soon I would be tucked comfy back in bed. A few of the Goblins snarled and moaned and raised their hands in question about what I meant. I simply remarked “Saint Kalashnikov & Christopher too don’t fail me now.”
I woke this morning to the smell of bacon and freshly brewed coffee, and after I climbed from bed I walked to the window and took a look outside and noticed it had snowed again after I fell back asleep covering up all the goblin tracks that danced in my head, now if I can just get rid of the son of a bitch that lives under my bed.